I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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