i love accidental penises.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
