What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
