She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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