The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So much rum. So many feels.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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