I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
