i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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