I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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