There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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