I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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