I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
