well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
