I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
