He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
