Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
