I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
