Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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