Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
