Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
