ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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