New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
