Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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