You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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