god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
