i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
