Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
