I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
