I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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