how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize