The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
