Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We just shotgunned beers for America
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
