if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize