ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
