somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
