Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
