forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
