yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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