I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
