Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
