When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize