Umm I'm too high to move.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
