I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize