my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
