She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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