Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
