I could make wine with my vomit
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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