i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
