Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize