Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
