oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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