He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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