so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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