Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
