with your own penis?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
third nipple confirmed
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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