Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
