She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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