I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
