I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
smell my finger.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
