Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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