david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
