TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize