Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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