Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
