No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
